Miles Between Us
by Psyched
Summary: A missing moment from "Ninguna Salida" (9x24). What happened in Deeks' and Kensi's motel room that night in Mexico? Originally posted on wikiDeeks.


" _Man, it's crazy, 'I love yous' to 'I don't knows.' Now I'm sitting here alone like, 'Where the hell did you go?'…So many miles between us now."  
~The Miles Between, Ivan B_

* * *

Deeks locked the door behind the senior agents and stayed there until he heard Callen and Sam's door open and close. He pulled his gun from his back and checked it before laying it on the table between the two chairs in his and Kensi's motel room. He stood still for several seconds, not really wanting to move. It was tempting to just sink into the seat behind him, close his eyes, and stare into nothingness for a while.

The shower in their bathroom turned on and Deeks opted against the chair. If he sat, he'd still be there when Kensi returned and she would think he was ready to talk. Nothing could be further from the truth right now, and that scared the hell out of him.

Deeks shut off the lamp in the corner before divesting himself of his shoes, shirt, and jeans and shoving them into his go-bag. He pulled out an undershirt and quickly yanked it on. Deciding it was best to sleep farther from the windows, he walked to the bed near the bathroom and settled in on the right side. If this was a normal night in a motel for an op, he and Kensi would have a friendly disagreement about him claiming "her" side of the bed, even though they both knew she slept better on the left.

But this was not a normal night.

Realizing he'd left the two lamps between the beds lit but too physically and emotionally drained to get up, Deeks rolled away from the light and toward the wall. Kensi was just on the other side of it, and he could easily imagine her in the shower. He fought the urge to go in there and offer to wash her back, tease her a little about the bathroom being the perfect place to fool around while Callen and Sam were in the next room, and pretend that last night never happened.

That would be the far easier thing to do, Deeks mused. He could mutter a quick "I'm sorry" and prove to Kensi up against the shower wall that he had no intention of leaving her even if she didn't leave the job. But he would be kidding himself if he thought it was the right thing to do.

Their talk, argument, or whatever the hell that was in the parking garage last night opened Deeks' eyes to a huge chasm between them that needed to be bridged before they got married. He punched the pillow, ostensibly to make it more comfortable, but it served to release a little of his frustration as well. How could they have ended up so far apart about what their life together would be like?

He closed his eyes and tried to clear his mind and relax his muscles, hoping sleep would steal him away from the chaos that had suddenly overwhelmed his life. He failed miserably, and soon enough Deeks' thoughts wound their way back to Kensi. Maybe he should have followed up more after he'd first asked her to think about leaving NCIS. If he had, would she have mentioned sooner that she wasn't as committed to his picture of their future as he was? Shouldn't Kensi have come out and told him if she was having second thoughts, though? She knew how much he wanted a different career and children with her.

Deeks didn't realize the water had stopped running until the door opened and Kensi came out. He listened as her feet padded past the bed he was in and stopped somewhere in the vicinity of the middle of the room. He could feel Kensi's eyes on him and he debated what to do. Deeks hated to think she was as miserable as he was and wanted nothing more than to turn over and invite her into his arms. Just to lay with her, wrapped in each other, would provide comfort he was sure they could both use tonight.

Before he could act on his thoughts, Kensi sighed and bedsprings creaked, but his bed didn't shift with her weight. Figuring she'd made her decision, Deeks resigned himself to sleeping (or at least trying to) alone tonight, much as he had last night because Kensi stayed at the mission monitoring the situation at General Vasquez's compound after he'd been escorted home.

"Deeks?" Her voice was barely a whisper.

He considered pretending to sleep, not really up to brushing her off if she wanted to talk. "Yeah?" he scratched out instead.

"Do you want the bed to yourself?"

As much as he had just been thinking about holding her, Deeks didn't want to be the one to take that step tonight. He put the decision back on Kensi instead. "Do you?"

"Not particularly, no."

He thought she sounded wary, as if unsure of her welcome. Deeks rolled onto his back and eyed her for several seconds. She was sitting on the edge of the other mattress in her fitted tank top and boy shorts, feet on the bed and arms wrapped around her bent legs. She looked lost and it broke Deeks' heart a little to see her so sad.

Considering her admission to be the first move, he lifted the cover next to him and Kensi quickly turned off the lights before crawling under. He was closer to the edge of the bed than the middle, and Kensi kept her distance as well. Deeks closed his eyes in exhaustion, relief, misery, fear, he didn't know which. All he knew was that the love of his life, his everything, was lying inches away from him and it may as well have been miles.

Kensi shifted a bit before she settled in, no doubt trying to find a comfortable position while not encroaching on his space. When she stopped moving, Deeks' hand itched to reach out and find hers, but it stayed on his chest. It seemed they were both unable to close the literal and figurative expanse between them at the moment.

"Are we going to be okay, Deeks?" He heard the insecurity in Kensi's voice.

The query surprised him, given that they both needed to sleep and this was the last thing they should be discussing now. Deeks' first instinct was to reassure her that of course they would be, so they could at least pretend they would be alright and concentrate on other things, like resting up for tomorrow. However, the part of him that was still angry wanted to know how Kensi could ask that question, because how could they possibly be okay? He wanted to leave their jobs and start a family but she didn't and wasn't sure she ever would. And he had no idea how they could get around that without one of them being very unhappy. But Deeks wouldn't open that can of worms on the eve of a very dangerous mission. So he spoke a simpler truth.

"I don't know, Kens. I sure as hell hope so. But I don't know," he said, resigned.

"Can we talk when we get home? When we're calmer and not so tired we'll figure this out, right?"

"Sure. We always do, don't we?" Even to his own ears, Deeks thought this sounded hollow.

Closing his eyes again, he tried to sleep, but his mind raced and his heart ached. Deeks wanted to give Kensi some assurance that they would work it out. He wanted it for himself as well. But he realized he wasn't confident of that outcome. He'd never felt so emotionally distant from her, not even when she pulled away from him during her long recovery after their mission in Syria last year.

Deeks couldn't keep from replaying their argument no matter how he tried to distract himself. But Kensi lying next to him was too strong a trigger to be ignored. She had said she wouldn't compromise who she was, and he would never ask her to. But did that mean he should have to? Now that Deeks had a clear vision of the life he wanted with Kensi, he wasn't willing to let it go easily or without a fight.

But there was so much uncertainty now that it terrified him. He wasn't long for the LAPD, of that Deeks was sure. If this wasn't his last case with NCIS, it would be coming soon. He couldn't help but believe that he and Kensi were on borrowed time as long as they stayed in law enforcement and he didn't know how to make her see that. Her recent brushes with death had barely phased her. Michelle's death and Sam's shooting hadn't caused a hitch in her stride, apparently. Deeks knew he couldn't do this much longer, but could he be okay working somewhere else and sending Kensi out there without being the one to have her back every day?

He'd hoped the temptation of children, their children, was enough to get Kensi to agree to leave NCIS sooner rather than later. To hear her ask "What if we don't have kids?" yesterday floored him. Yes, they'd waffled back and forth at times on the subject, but for a while now they'd both expressed a desire to build a family together.

Faced with the hard reality of her announcement, Deeks' choice wasn't an easy one. Yes, he wanted children someday. But he'd only ever envisioned them with Kensi. The mutant ninja assassins that only they could produce. Did he still want them if she wasn't going to be the one by his side teaching them right from wrong and showing them all the beauty in the world? If he couldn't have kids with Kensi, which future was preferable: one spent with his best friend, lover, and partner (who might not be that for much longer), or one trying to find someone else he could love the way he loved Kensi and who also wanted children?

The truth was he just didn't know. Deeks felt an internal pressure to decide one way or another before he and Kensi talked about it. Otherwise, he worried that his inclination would be to give into her wishes, or at least allow her to continue their state of pendency until she figured out what she wanted. Kensi didn't seem to be taking motherhood, or even another career, completely off the table. She said she wasn't sure when she might be ready for these changes. Which could mean tomorrow, next year, or never. Was he willing to take the risk that none of the future he'd been dreaming of would come to fruition? Again, he didn't know. And it was giving him a headache thinking about it.

He needed to sleep. They had a near-impossible mission ahead of them tomorrow and he had to be at the top of his game. Kensi was still his partner and Deeks would be damned if he would let anything happen to her on his watch.

Deeks didn't know how much time had passed since Kensi had come to bed, but he estimated about an hour. He opened his eyes and studied the ceiling, needing to replace the troubling images in his minds-eye. Shades of gray and black played on the stucco, the uneven texture adding to the depth of the shadows. Deeks wished he could send their problems up there and have them be forgotten in the darkness. He glanced at his partner and fiancée and saw she was on her side, watching him.

"You can't sleep either?" she asked softly.

He shook his head, "We really need to."

"I know something that might help," she offered.

"What's that?" He honestly couldn't think of anything. At least nothing that was a good idea.

Kensi gently lifted his right arm above his head as she shifted closer to him. She laid her head on his chest and her arm across his abdomen, slipping her hand under his shirt at his side. Her leg curled up and over his and she let out a breath. The comfort her touch brought him was almost immediate.

Deeks waited a few beats of his heart before he slid his left hand across Kensi's arm that rested on him and held on. He draped his other arm behind her and his hand found the curve of her waist, tucking under the hem of her tank. He inhaled deeply, allowing the familiar scent of her to give him peace for now.

He was on the precipice of what he hoped would be a dreamless sleep when Deeks heard Kensi's hushed, "I love you, Deeks."

His lips turned up in a ghost of a smile. After all they'd said and refused to say in the past twenty-four hours and as distant as they were right now, they would always have love between them, Deeks was certain. He just hoped it was enough to get them through the minefield they would have to navigate to find a common future. But it was enough for tonight, he decided. Deeks didn't let himself think or debate anymore; it was as natural to him as breathing to simply say, "I love you, too."

Within minutes they slept.

* * *

 **AN** : A companion piece, from Kensi's perspective, should be up in about a week.


End file.
